I jerk my head up off of the bare mattress, a line of drool slipping down my chin. Next to me my phone is going off like a swarm of angry hornets. "BUZZ, Buzz, Buzz!!!"
I look around but no one is here, they must be out flying signs. Light filters in from the bare window and I guess it's any where from noon to 3 o'clock.
I snatch up the phone and stare at it for a second, letting my eyes focus on the small text before I answer it. Oh, it's James! I flip the phone open, "Hey, what's up?"
James has been gone lately, off doing some kind of personal growth crap. I personally think it's a waste of money, but at the same time I can see the change in him and that makes me happy. He's not nearly as angry any more. "Hey.. were you sleeping?" I can hear the disappointment in his voice.
"No," I lie, "just allergies."
I don't like telling lies to him, but I don't like him judging my lifestyle even more. Yeah, I party a lot and stay up late, but my bills are paid, aren't they?
"Well, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a little bit, if you aren't busy."
I sit up in bed and stretch my legs out in front of me, "Nah, I'm not busy. What's up?" I can feel Gratitude training coming.
He's gonna suggest I go, I know it. But I can't go, I have to work. Not to mention it's a 5 hour drive from here and I know nobody in West Palm Beach, where the center is located. I sigh to myself, I really don't want to talk about it at all, I'm just going to let him down.
"Well I was wondering if you'd tell me about what you want to do... I mean, I know you want to work with kids, but that's really all I know." he asks.
I'm kinda put off by this. Not by the question itself, but by James asking me something. Normally James does all the talking in conversations. Which really isn't so bad, I enjoy listening to him talk because he always has something interesting to say, and I really learn from him.
In the 3 years I've lived with my Sister Kerri, and her boyfriend James, I've learned a lot just from sitting and listening to James talk.
"Well.." I falter for a second, what do I want?
I know what I want, but it's so outlandish, so unobtainable, that I kinda feel silly even bringing it up. "One day I want to own my a daycare," I say in a small voice.
There, it's out. Now he's going to pick it apart and tell me all the reasons why I'm not on the right track to reach my goal. I close my eyes and wait.
"What does that look like?" he asks.
What the fuck? "I don't know..." What does he mean by that anyway?
"Close your eyes," he instructs, "and tell me what it looks like."
My eyes are already closed.. but I try to do as he says and imagine the day care. I see colorful walls, covered in butterflies that the kids cut out themselves and glued glitter on. I see origami birds we folded hanging from the ceiling and 5 little people sitting in a circle with me in the center, reading a book. I smell pine sol and their little bodies, powdered and innocent.
I smile at the scene, it's so vivid in front of me, but I can't bring myself to tell James. I can't ever have that, so there's no point in day dreaming about it. "I don't know.." I repeat.
He sighs on the other end, but remains patient with me. "Well I see building blocks, and lots of kids running around playing," he says, "It's your day care, what colors are the walls? How old are the kids?"
I close my eyes even tighter, "James, I don't know.." I say again, starting to get frustrated.
I don't want to do this! I don't want to talk about things I can't have, no bodies going to let me, trailer park trash, take care of kids. I'm getting my hopes up for nothing!
He senses me getting aggravated but keeps it up anyway, "There are no limitations Miranda, nothing to stop you, so just imagine it. What would it sound like? How would you set it up?"
Tears start spilling down my face as I try to hold back my sobs. No limitations? Ha! The picture in my head is bright and bubbly, with children playing duck, duck, goose and Mozart tinkling softly in the background. Life is filled with limitations! Me being fat is a limitation, and the most obvious one. Add on the fact I was raised in the projects, put in foster care and poor. James wasn't fooling anyone, I was limited from the start.
I collect myself long enough to reply, "James, I really don't know.." the tears make my voice come out thick.
"Miranda.. You do know."
I sob a little into the phone, why can't he just let it go? It's stupid anyway.
"I want you to do GT," he says after a second, "Just consider it, okay?"
I knew it! I knew he would bring it up! I wipe away my tears with an angry fist. "I don't know." I repeat my go to phrase when I'm upset.
"I have a scholar ship for the first part for you, you can go to part one for free, and Kerri is going with you. Will you at least consider it?" He isn't pleading with me,instead his voice sounds as if he's offering a gift. Something I should be honored to receive.
I'm quite for a second, not really thinking, just trying to collect myself. "Okay," I whisper, "Let me see if I can get the days off for it first."
I jot down the dates he gives me and hang up the phone. Sarah walks in just as I flop back on the bed, I can tell by the look on her face she's been listening for a while.
"Is he trying to make you go to that cult again?" She asks, only half sarcastic.
I shrug my shoulders and stare up at the ceiling. The bed sighs and slumps a little as she sits down next to me. She picks up the lists of dates and scans them."This is about the time we'll be leaving," she reminds me, as if I don't know.
"Yeah," I say softly to the brown spot crawling across the ceiling.
"Are you going to do this instead of going with us?" she demands.
For the last few weeks Sarah, Annie and I have been talking about leaving St.Aug and hitch hiking. We were thinking North Carolina, or maybe just joining up with the rainbow, a group of traveling hippies that bartered and traded for everything. Really any where would do. We just needed to go. I felt trapped by my job, by my obligations, my responsibilities. Why bother with it, when I can just stick out my thumb and be gone?
I roll my head to the side and stare at her. She isn't looking at me, but at the slip of paper in her hands. Her dreads have fallen around her face, so I can't make out her profile. "I don't know" I groan.
That phrase, I say it so much it's like a chant. "I don't know!" I repeat, more to myself this time.
"Well if you ditch me, that would be lame." she snaps, as she pulls herself off of the bed and makes her way to the bathroom. The water has been off for a while, but some dumb ass took a shit in the toilet anyway. She slams the door shut, trying to block out the smell from her room. It's pretty pointless, since right next to the bed a giant pile of dog shit sits, sneering at me. I don't bother to clean it up though, another pile will just replace it later. "It's free, the first part. so maybe I can just do it for James and Kerri and then leave with you," I try to reason.
I want to make everyone happy, it's like it doesn't even matter what I want. The picture of the daycare swirls in my mind again. What do I want?
No comments:
Post a Comment